Totally honest post....

Wow I am starting to wonder if I will ever get this weight loss right...  I hit my 70 pound mark in November 2012 ever since than I have played this nasty game of loss to gain now I have put 12 pounds on that I had already lost...  I feel like I am running up hill but keep sliding down faster than I am getting up that hill...  I really just want to make it to the top of that hill and a victor..
I  have the most horrible self esteem about myself and have for my whole life...  When I look at myself I feel totally grossed out about my body...  I for the most part don't buy clothes for myself unless I have too anymore...  I hate going to try on clothes because nothing fits right or it just looks too small on me...  So for the most part I don't dress up because I don't like the way I look right now..
During my first marriage I heard a lot that I was a loser, fat cow and that no one would ever love me because I didn't deserve it... Even though that marriage has been over for a long time when I get down I still hear those words ringing in my ear and I start to feel that way about myself...  Why do I keep letting it pull  me down???

I have the most wonderful husband he loves me now matter what my size is and tells me I am beautiful all the time...  Since we have been married I have put on around 100 pounds...  I totally don't feel like that isn't  fair to him at all or to our children...  I want to be around to grow old with him and see our children grow up....  I want to go shopping for clothes look at myself in the mirror and think wow I look great...  I want to be able to get on an airplane without people looking at me and thinking I hope that fat girl doesn't sit next to me...  Would love to have another baby but want to be at a healthy weight I think it would make it a lot easier...

I want all these things and want to get to the top of that hill with victory.....

Idol Worship...

So why can't I get this weight loss journey right and why right now do I feel like I am moving faster backwards instead of moving forward .....  That is the question that I have been beating myself up over for so very long... So in November 2012 I had lost a total of 70 pounds I was on top of the world thought I could do anything not saying I can't but I believe that's where I lost my focus and started to think I could do it on my own and truly not on purpose but put God in the backseat and not in the front seat where he should be all the time...

So I have struggled with my weight my whole life its just been a roller coaster of loss and gain it really has to stop...  So all this time I really couldn't put my finger on it and figure out why I was always turning to food...  So I recently started reading a book talking about idols in our lives and how we let them take over our heart...

The idol I worship in my life is FOOD I turn to it when I am happy, sad, scared, lonely, to mourn and to celebrate....  When I should be turning to God for this times in my life I am turning to food so that makes it an idol in my life and it must be torn down there is no room for it in my life....
When I let the food idol to rule in my life it gives Satan  a stronghold in my life and let me tell you he takes full advantage of this time too...  So I bow down to the idol of food and worship at its alter at that time its wonderful... 

So after all my worship of food it comes time to step on that scale and face the music...  I step on that scale to only see the number going in the wrong direction than Satan has me where he wants me...   I begin to think what a loser I am, how I am just wasting time and how I can't do get this right...
I want to be healthy for myself to be around for my family and in order to do that the idol of food has to come down in my life...  Those times that I turn to food for comfort or celebration are times for God...  No saying I can't have a bit of cake to celebrate or a meal to mourn with someone but above all that has to be God...  That place in my heart belongs to God and I have to stop giving it to the idol of food...

I am worth it and God deserves that place in my life....

Struggling

I have wanted to be totally honest and transparent in this blog with my weight loss journey...  So you can see from my title that I am struggling right now...  I weighed in last week with a gain so I was going to brush it off but I am really struggling right now...  I go to weigh in on Monday and I am pretty sure I have gained again...  I really got to get a hold of this mess I have totally  not tracked the last few weeks and have just snacked a lot...  I know its that time of the year with all the holidays right now but I just don't want to blame it on that right now...  So here is my honesty when this happens I totally feel like a loser even though I know I am not...  I am going to make this post a short one and just ask for your prayers because I know with God all things are possible.....

You got this girl...

So I stepped on the scale today it said I was up .2 from last week but than I realized that I had forgot my weighing in shorts that are super light so I actually probably lost but it will all work out next week...  So as I am going into the Thanksgiving week I am looking forward to enjoying some great food but also staying within my limits... Who says that during the holidays you have do without I don't plan on doing without but my main focus is staying on plan and heading into next weeks weight in proud of this week...

So in my meeting today we were encouraged to make a list of all the reasons we want to lose weight here are some of mine:
Get Healthy
Feel better about myself
Be able to run around with my kids more
Be able to try new things
Smaller clothes
Doing more than a 5K
Next Pregnancy Healthier
Help prevent possible health problems
Be around for my family longer
I want to be good role model for my children
Be able to fit better into ride and plane seats

Wow it feels good to just open up and put those out for the public to view I feel like if you say it out loud your more likely to strive for them more... 
So in my list you see doing more than 5K yep in August I did my first ever 5K and felt just awesome and I don't believe that 70 pounds ago I could have made it the whole way... Than two weeks later I did my second 5K, goodness I was so darn proud of myself...
So on Thanksgiving morning I will do my 3rd 5K for this year and I am so very excited.. All the money goes to help the local food bank which I found was really fitting right now...  Here I am trying to lose the weight because of my over eating habits so doing this 5k working on getting myself healthy and I am helping someone to have meals to eat...

Love this quote from my WW meeting today...

The difference between TRY or TRIUMPH is just a little UMPH...

Marvin Phillips

Its never too late for a fresh start...

So from the title you can probably can guess where I am going with this post and yes your right...  So I began my weight loss journey in January 2012 by joining weight watchers and so I was off...  I added working out as a regular routine of mine I was on a roll...  Than on Thanksgiving of 2012 I had lost 71 pounds and I was on top of the world...  Well than I really feel like I lost my focus on my journey really don't know why maybe it was because I have a lot of weight to lose or maybe it was because I just got bored....  To be honest I really don't know the answer to that question and may never know but that's ok... 

So I really spent most of 2013 just going between 71 and 65 pounds it was just so frustrating to be honest with you and there was a few times that I really felt like throwing in the towel...  But as I am starting to approach my two  year mark of being on this journey I am now bound and determined that I will not throw in the towel....  I will not give up....
So starting last Monday November 11th I am starting making new goals for myself on this journey of mine...  My new goal is to lose between 7-10 pounds from 11-11 to 12-31... So I weighted in on Monday 18th and I was down 1.6 pounds...
So this weight loss journey is important to me for many reasons...  I want to be around for my hubby and children for a long time...  Also we would love to have another baby so I want to be healthier for that pregnancy....
So there it is and now I am restarting my journey...Too long I have let the enemy hold me down or push me around...  No more...   I don't listen to a lot of the new pop music but I do like this new one...  Because that is what I feel like is a champion...  Hear me roar... 

Healthy Baked Chicken Nuggets

Hey Friends...

I thought I would start sharing some of my fav. light recipes..  Lets start this off with one of our all time favs..

Healthy Baked Chicken Nuggets

Servings:4
Serving Size: 1/4 of nuggets
Calories: 164.9
Fat: 4.6 grams
Protein: 22.1 grams
Carb: 7.7 grams
Fiber: 0.9 grams
Sugar: 0.1 grams

4 points + weight watchers

* 16 oz (2large) skinless boneless chicken breasts, cut into even bit sized pieces
* salt & pepper to taste
* 2 tsp olive oil
* 6 tbsp whole wheat Italian seasoned breadcrumbs
* 2 tbsp panko
* 2 tbsp grated parmesan cheese
* olive oil spray

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Spray a baking sheet with olive oil spray

Put the olive oil in one bowl and the breadcrumbs, panko and parmesan cheese in another

Season chicken with salt and pepper, then put in the bowl with the olive oil and mix well so the olive oil evenly coats all the chicken

Put  a few chunks of chicken at a time into the breadcrumbs mixture to coat, then on the baking sheet. Lightly spray the top with olive oil spray then bake 8-10 minutes. Turn over the cook over then cook another 4-5 minutes or until cooked through..

One Year...

So here I am at my one year mark with my weight loss journey...  Let me tell it seems like lately its been an up and down hill with this part of my journey..  Right before Thanksgiving I hit 71 pounds lost and I was so super excited about that milestone...  So I have really had to come to peace and pray about it I had wished I would have been further along on my journey come my one year make...  But I know I am where I should be and am at peace with the progress I have made so far and looking forward to this 2013...

Slow and steady wins the race so that is my focus during this journey..  I am looking forward to all the extra things I will be able to do once all this weight is off me... Last Sunday I was able to get on the basketball court and shoot some hoops and before I would have been really worn out from just that and now I am not...

Thank you God for the peace I have with my weight loss so far...  Thank you to all my family and friends for the support and encouragement you give to me...

So my one year mark with weight watchers puts me at a total of of 70 pounds so far...